A while back, we discussed some of our favorite female apparel and accessory items and why they send us into a tizzy (Click here to read it). Today, we point out the worst.
KERCHIEFS: Unless she is a Yugoslavian milkmaid pulling on cow teats at 4:00 in the morning, is there any reason why a woman would hide her soft flowing hair under something you’d use to blow your nose in if she wasn’t wearing it? Even the most ardent feminists think these little killjoys don’t belong on a human female. How do we know? Uh, we don’t. But it seemed to fit.
NOSE RINGS: We have never understood the statement a woman makes when she sports a nose ring. We’re not talking about that cute little stud in the side of her nose. We mean that little hoop that cuts through one or both nostrils and hangs near or on her lip, that makes you worry that you will rip her face off if you kiss her. Besides, if nature intended that jewelry be worn there, women would have a nipple on their faces and noses on their chests.
PANTYHOSE: Have you ever, EVER, worn anything but pants over your briefs? NO! Why? Because your little playmates like fresh air and they are cooped up enough all day long without being suffocated, too. And don’t give us that tummy tuck control thing, either. That’s why they invented Lean Cuisine. Seriously, what are pantyhose all about? To keep her stockings up? A garter belt would do the same thing—and it might capture our attention as well.
GIRDLES: If you have ever seen a woman in a girdle, you no doubt were amazed. How can an item that can make your little cherub have a flat stomach and a shapely figure while wearing a dress have you choking back acid reflux? A girdle is a very effective form of birth control unless the wearer is someone like Jessica Alba. Then it won’t matter.
BRAS: These are barbaric instruments of torture. Bras leave scars that remain forever—on them—the innocent ones, stuffed away in a confined space when they long to be free, bounce around a bit and show the world their glory. Oh, the humanity! Breasts are people, too, and if you don’t believe it, ask any supermodel. She will tell you that on the set of a fashion shoot, she and the rest of the crew refer to them as twins. They say that a small donation can save a life. To that we say, burning a bra can save two. Give today.