At one time or another most of us have debated what are the greatest inventions of all time. Penicillin, the printing press, computers, and of course, for those of us with more primitive thoughts (meaning you), “the Pill” (birth control or Viagra, take your pick) are all typically bandied about. So important are these that their poor brothers are frequently left to relative obscurity. Below, we rightfully elevate them to their proper place in the annals of mankind’s history.
When you put cold liquid in it, the liquid stays cold. When you put hot liquid in it, the liquid stays hot. What’s so great about this? How does it know which one it is? And without a computer inside it, too. This may be the closest thing to artificial intelligence since Jon Stewart.
THE DISPOSABLE DIAPER
Some of you might be old enough to remember the poor schmuck who drove that diaper truck to pick up your little sibling’s stinkies. Had disposable diapers not been invented by the time you became a parent, your kids (well, at least the second and youngest) would now be figments of your vivid imagination.
THE NOSE HAIR TRIMMER
This contraption is perhaps the most important invention taken for granted by men with prurient interests (meaning you). Without it, before you settled down (and perhaps even after you did), you would have routinely experienced Coitus Interruptus. Why? Every time you got on top of your partner and she looked up at your face and into your nostrils, she would have immediately realized she was about to talk baby talk to Neanderthal man.
The importance of this invention is not what one might think. The physics of its ability to enhance and support a woman’s breasts is of little noteworthiness. What is amazing, however, is the device’s complete ability to befuddle man’s efforts to remove it from the female torso.
THE REMOTE CONTROL
This invention has saved countless marriages from divorce because 1) men can let their wives sleep undisturbed instead of getting out of bed every 10 seconds to change the channel, and; 2) of its role as a sex aid. Seriously, when was the last time you let it out of your free hand during a whoopee session with the Mrs?
Without this simple invention, billions of dollars in lost productivity time would be suffered year round, worldwide. Think about how much less time you would have to work each day if you had to take the time to pull down your pants, put a seat protector or toilet paper down, and sit to do a numero uno. Standing, you can keep the cell phone in the crook of your neck and continue to transact business, never losing a beat.
So the next time you use of one of these great inventions, be thankful. And realize, just how much better your life is standing on the backs of these great inventors.