The Necktie: A Sadist’s Tool

The Necktie: A Sadist’s Tool

I am not a politician and do not aspire to be one, as it is a vile occupation. If I was a politician, however, I would propose legislation to ban the necktie. It is an implement of torture and should be relegated to history books and dark museums staffed by elderly female administrative staff wearing grandmotherly print dresses with fake pearls. There, it will find the company of other horrible tools of sadists such as the rack, the gibbet, and any “Housewives” reality show DVD.

man-choking-necktieWhat the hell is a necktie all about? Of what value is it in today’s society? The answer, of course, is none—that is, besides constricting one’s windpipe.

Its origination as a napkin has been obscured and discarded. Witness “Master of the Universe” nitwits who sit in $8 coffee shops with their $75 ties tossed over their shoulders lest a drop of pea or tomato soup jump off the spoon and attack. Would it not be easier to learn to use a spoon the correct way? At least if a necktie was still used as a napkin, it would serve some practical purpose.

If you are not convinced that the necktie is a sadist’s tool, try this simple experiment. Tomorrow, take a length of rope and tie it around your neck with a knot at your throat. Casually walk down the street while you inconspicuously observe people observing you. Be careful, however, if two men carrying butterfly nets approach you wearing white uniforms and slip-on sneakers. They do not intend to ask you for directions.

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