For many of you, trying to understand women is a pursuit akin to getting a hole-in-one or reverse-dunking a basketball on a regulation height hoop. Unlike men, who generally say what they mean and mean what they say, women speak in a code where their real feelings are often masked by ambivalence or nonchalance. Don’t worry—I am here to break that code for you. And even if you’ve been married a while, it’s about time you learned this stuff.
So here are five of the most common examples of female doublespeak from a woman who uses them regularly:
“I’M FINE:” She is absolutely not fine. What this really means is that she is stewing and slowly letting her frustrations with you sink deep inside her psyche. Use this grace period to identify the problem and either eliminate it entirely or plan a grand gesture to compensate for it. Under no circumstances should you address the problem verbally; once she says those dreaded two words, any direct inquiry or acknowledgement to what may or not be fine is just asking for trouble.
“I JUST DON’T FEEL A SPARK:” You call to see what she’s up to on Saturday night but rather than swoon at your suggestion of a romantic evening at your place, she tells you that she just doesn’t feel a spark. Game over. What this really means is that she doesn’t want to see your penis. Sorry, but if I’m not blunt, you’ll never learn. Don’t embarrass yourself by thinking there is something you can do to fix this. Just move on. When you stop pursuing her she’ll wonder what she’s missing out on and by then, your time saved will have led you to bed with someone better looking.
“IT’S UP TO YOU:” The only thing that is up to you in this situation is the dire consequences you will face if you take this phrase at face value. You want to go fishing with the guys on the weekend of her sister’s birthday bash? It’s up to you whether you want be the butt of your friends’ jokes or deal with the wrath of your lady. Either of these ends may haunt you for weeks, months or even years to come. But remember, while men will always find something to rag on you about, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
“I’LL BE READY IN A MINUTE:” Hope there’s something good on TV. When a woman tells you she’ll be ready in a minute, what she really means is that she’ll let you know when she’s ready. The more you ask, the longer she’ll be. If she says this in a tone that sounds frenzied, my advice is to have a seat and channel every grain of patience in your being. Because if you don’t, you risk being set back an additional 10 minutes for every time that she has to consider how annoying you are.
“I GUESS:” “I guess I can go to the party by myself” unequivocally means she wants you to take her to the party. However, as long “I guess” isn’t bookended with “it’s fine,” you can get away with feigning ignorance and take the W on this one. But choose your battles wisely and don’t let these sneaky victories add up, because as soon as she learns to just say no, you lose.