Life is full of hard choices; you can’t always have it all. In this game, the rules are simple: You have to choose: 1) one woman to marry; 2) one to spend the night with; and 3) one to kick to the curb. The contestants are Debra Barone from Everybody Loves Raymond; Carmela Soprano from The Sopranos; and Carol Brady from The Brady Bunch. Here are my choices:
Get Hitched: DEBRA BARONE
So she’s mean at times; I don’t care. Look at her appearance in the early years of Everybody Loves Raymond compared to the later seasons. She got hotter as she got older. Think about that! And let’s be honest, Ray deserved her scorn. I mean, he did nothing around the house and she still put out for him. So can you imagine what it would mean in the sack if I just loaded the dishwasher? And she’s a former PR pro so she could go to work if I so wished. Definite wedding bells.
Get Lucky: CAROL BRADY
I wouldn’t want to marry Mrs. Brady because she can’t solve any problem on her own. She always needs to wait for her husband to get home and I have enough stress in my life. And with a housekeeper, why can’t she work? But, you can tell just under the Stepford Wife persona, she’s an animal with a voracious sexual appetite. I’ll gladly spend the evening with her in that powder blue shuttered bedroom.
Get Lost: CARMELA SOPRANO
It hurts me to give Carmela her walking papers. She’s one hell of an attractive woman and as long as you give her the material possessions she craves, she doesn’t even care if you cheat on her (as long as your ex-Russian girlfriend doesn’t blab that you had an affair with her one-legged cousin). But as long as Tony is alive—and he was when The Sopranos went off the air (I think), spending even just one night with her could be a death sentence. Pass.
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