As we’ve noted before, along with the hot summer always comes thoughts of beautiful women. What? You’re thinking, instead, about how your fantasy baseball team is going to do in the second half of the season? Come on, if you’re going to fantasize, do it about something that really makes life worth living. While you indulge your primitive instincts, let’s temper them just a bit with some intellectual intercourse, er, I mean discourse, and examine the best of what women’s apparel and accessories have to offer us men.
MINI-DRESSES & SKIRTS: The obvious utility of the dress (don’t make us spell it out so you can hear it—you know it’s function, and so do they) only serves to solidify the importance of this piece of clothing to us men. Want to take a little test? Picture a looker wearing a short dress or skirt. Now picture her wearing shorts with a hemline just as short. Not the same, is it?
LINGERIE, BABYDOLLS, TEDDYS & NEGLIGEES: Lingerie makes beautiful women even more so, and two-baggers marginally tolerable. We know that may sound rather sexist but what do women want us to say? That we will indiscriminately bed a human female with the face of a gorilla without some extra enticement? We’ll never admit that to you. Wait, maybe we just did.
LOW-RISE JEANS: A woman’s figure should always be accentuated—at least if her hips are wider than her shoulders. Then again, if they are not, she may not be female—yet; it’s probably early in his hormone treatment. But enough of this Crying Game. Low-rise jeans focus your attention on her shapely hips and contours of her lower torso, which is good, because she’s getting tired of you staring at her t**ts all the time.
HIGH HEELS: The guy who invented this (he HAD to have been a guy, right?) was a genius. From either direction her legs become long enough for you to imagine that they can actually encircle your sizable mid-section. And they cause her rear to jiggle like a gently shaken container of jello, too. We guys should band together and pass a law making it illegal for women to wear sneakers and flat-soled shoes. Note: flat-soled, knee-high boots are not shoes, so they are still good. This is not a loophole but rather a sound matter of legal interpretation.
LIPSTICK: The next time a woman complains about how her gender is objectified and she’s wearing lipstick, hold a mirror up to her face and ask her why she’s wearing it? If she’s not wearing lipstick, we recommend that you find another gumada unless your budget won’t permit. Red, moist lips. Inviting. Beckoning. As a cold shower is now.