There are plenty of disorders, diseases and syndromes that you are all familiar with that we cannot eradicate soon enough. But there are also other horrible, non-fatal, incurable ailments that you’ve likely never heard of. These condemn the afflicted to a lifetime of unhappiness causing them to be scorned by the rest of society while they endure unending doses of public humiliation. Here they are:
MILEY CYRUS SELF-LOATHING SYNDROME
Found exclusively among young women, this disease morphs talented, reasonably wholesome girls into ten-dollar streetwalkers—with even sluttier attire.
ROSIE O’DONNELL MAD COW DISEASE
Causes the victim to blather uncontrollably and with venom about things she knows nothing about. In extreme cases, people actually begin to look like the cow, er, person, after whom the disease is named.
CEO DENIAL DISORDER
Common to investment bank chief executives like Lloyd Blankfein, Jamie Dimon and Dick Fuld, this unfortunate ailment prevents the individual from detecting that both he and his sh*t do, in fact, stink.
POLITICAL NARCISSIST REINCARNATION DELUSION SYNDROME
Makes rightfully disgraced politicians like Elliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner believe that they should have the privilege of being reelected to public office. For unknown reasons, this debilitating illness seems to be an epidemic in New York State.
KIM KARDASHIAN DISORIENTATION DISORDER
Causes internal confusion in the brain that leaves a person mistaking her head for her ass and vice versa—with obvious, unsettling consequences 30 minutes after she eats a plate of greasy Mexican food.